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First it was the Andro in the locker, than it was his performance in front of Congress, and even now in his tearful apology; Mark McGwire thinks that you are really damn stupid.  Here is a compendium of the stupidest things he has said since emptying his syringe of “truth” yesterday. 

McGwire looking healthy and not artificially strong.

From his AP statement:  “Now that I have become the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do five years ago.”  You could have come clean in front of Congress, you chose not to.  You could have come clean the day Andro was found in your locker but you chose not to.   You are coming clean now because you want a career in baseball and Tony LaRussa doesn’t want 500 reporters around his Spring Training.  Oh and the statute of limitations on this is apparently five years.

To Tim Kurkjian:  “I wanted to talk so bad. But if I faced prosecution, all my friends and family would all be included with me. If I couldn’t get immunity, I couldn’t take my family down that road. Anyone who was in my position would have done the same thing to protect their family and close friends. I wouldn’t do that to them. I took a beating. I’ve been taking hits for five years.”  Hell of a try to make yourself a sympathetic figure.  It must of been hard for you to cash those millions of dollars in contracts gotten through your illegally enhanced performance.  We will pity your private hell of beachfront mansions and ritzy country clubs.  It must have been hard to get out of bed each day.  Oh and if you never discussed steroids with anyone, what trouble would your family have been in?

To Tim Kurkjian:  “From 1993 to 1996, I was a walking M.A.S.H. unit,” he said. “My body was beat up. When I was approached about steroids and HGH, I just wanted to feel normal again. I took such a low dose. I never went over 250 pounds. I didn’t want to look like Lou Ferrigno. I didn’t abuse it. I just couldn’t get over the [injury] hump.”  This is the part that irks me the most.  He makes anabolic steroids sound like a combo of Tylenol and BenGay.  They aren’t just a magic healer, they also help you get really damn ripped which helps you hit a baseball really damn far, which you did with 52 homers in 1996 when you started using more frequently.  I’m catching a pattern. 

To Bob Costas:  “There is no pill or injection that would give me…. the hand eye coordination to hit a baseball.  No pill or injection will hit a baseball.”  If you insist Mark.  No pill will pick up a bat and swing it for you.  Here is what they will do.  (I know you know this but you insist that we go through this charade.)  Steroids will make the bat lighter because you are muscled up freak.  The increased bat speed gives you more time to identify the pitch, which good hitters will tell you is the key to hitting. 

To Bob Costas:  ….I did not take this for any strength purposes, at all. I look at my swing and look at how it evolved over time. My ball was getting so much backspin and driving. It was going out of the ballpark. That’s from a lot of hard work. That’s from many, many hours of hitting off the tee. I was the first one to the ballpark and the last one to leave.”  Could you allow for the possibility that your fancy new short swing that was providing this driving backspin was the result of the fact you no longer needed a long swing to generate power?  How dumb do you think we are? 

To Bob Costas:  “It was the era that we played in. I wish I never played in that era. I wish we had drug testing. If we had testing when I was playing, you and I wouldn’t be having this conversation today. I guarantee you that.”  Just to be clear (not a pun) you wouldn’t have taken steroids if you thought you would have gotten caught.  That’s a nice sentiment.  Make sure your son is sitting on your knee and you can look him in the eye to deliver this stirring fatherly advice.  This statement also seems to indict an “era” of steroids of which McGwire has said that he never discussed with anyone or knew much about.  Interesting. 

To Bob Costas:  “Jose is out there doing what he’s doing, but I’m not going to stoop down to his level,” he said. “None of that stuff happened. He knows it. I know it. I’m not going to stoop down to that level.”   So far you have said you weren’t doing steroids for strength and that your God given ability allowed you to hit each and every one of those homeruns.  Shame on you for making Jose Canseco seem so believable. 

The Big Syringe wasn’t alone with stupid comments.  Here are a couple more courtesy of Tony LaRussa and Bud Selig respectively. 

First from Tony:  “The fact that he used some stuff to try and get his body in shape, you know that is not acceptable, it is still wrong, but it is not like it was blatant that he was trying to cheat.”  I’m just trying to keep up here.  You are okay with cheating if it’s not blatant and you have a really convenient excuse for why you are doing it.  I think you are a fraud with zero credibility on this issue, but I’ve thought that since Big Mac was a roided up 1st baseman for the Cards.   

Finally from Bud Selig:  “The use of steroids and amphetamines amongst today’s players has greatly subsided and is virtually nonexistent, as our testing results have shown,” Selig said in a statement. “The so-called steroid era — a reference that is resented by the many players who played in that era and never touched the substances — is clearly a thing of the past, and Mark’s admission today is another step in the right direction.”   All you have proven is that players are no longer taking what you can test for.  There is still no test for HGH and there is surely a BALCO out there somewhere giving players an edge who want it.  Insert your head back in the sand or in your ass or wherever it’s most comfortable.  Thank you for letting the history of the game be tainted on your watch.  You are a troll.

To sum up, it’s obvious McGwire was far from the only slugger from that era to take the drugs.  However, he could have been the first to give a true, honest and forthright apology.  Coming from him such a story would have meant an awful lot.  He chose to give a convulted story that absolutely nobody could believe.  It was an apology that was a MASH unit of its own.  He’s hoping that we will forgive, forget and eventually accept him again.  Americans love to do this with our fallen heroes once we feel they have come clean and shown remorse.  Don’t do it for McGwire.  He may be remorseful but he’s far from clean.