See Joe Morgan faking excitement.

Welcome to the Homerun Derby, Chris Berman’s summer work out of bad puns, lame one-liners and exercise in local geography.  This years telecast was so boring that I could only make it through the first round before wanting to inflict harm on myself.  Good news for Boomer is that he finally found an analyst that lowers the bar far enough to allow his bloviating to shine.  Congrats Bobby V, thank you for not taking the Marlins job and staying on for the summer.   You are a supernova of jokes that have no punchline.  Here are some of tonight’s best and worst lines.  Enjoy!

(Tonight’s broadcasters Chris Berman, Bobby Valentine and Joe Morgan.)

Boomer:  We have a new compatriot this year…

Joe:  We have had a lot of them. 

We miss you Steve Phillips.  I hope AOL is intern free.

Bobby V:  I’m going to take Jose Ortiz.  He’s the man.  He’s ready to go. 

Unfortunately this person doesn’t exist.  It’s a shame Bobby’s not managing Stanley Ramirez and Jason Johnson in Florida.

Boomer:  I’m going with (pause for effect) a Canadian breeze… Vernon Wells.

Joe:  (Completely unimpressed with the selection.)  Any of them can win. 

There’s the Joe we love.  Surly and closed off to all outside opinion.  He’s the Billy Packer of MLB.

Bobby V:  David Oritz, whose middle name is hopefully Jose….

Tough start for Bobby V.  Does Japan have an ESPN equivalent he can transfer to when this doesn’t work out?

Boomer:  (About Chris Young.)  He’s patient enough.  Ask Cub fans if they know. 

Thanks big guy.  Did you run out of Bartman or Billy Goat references?

Bobby V:  Usually you hit batting practice with a batting cage.  Now you’re standing out there wide open. 

You’re right Bobby.  These guys never stand at home plate with no cage, except in every game they play.  Most of them aren’t wearing a hat either.  It’s an alien experience, like having a Miller Lite when you were expecting a Bud. 

Boomer:  (After a Wells homer.) Back, back, back, back, back, it’s outta here, eh? 

What no jokes about maple syrup or Canadians wearing all denim?  If you’re going stereotypes you have… to… go… all…the….way.  Wells was born in Shreveport, LA by the way. 

Boomer:  I don’t know how we would look in 3D but I think Erin Andrews would look pretty good. 

Stop talking about her like that.  She wants to be a serious reporter!

Erin Andrews:  What’s the key to hitting a bomb in this place?

Torii Hunter:  Swing hard.

Get the Sportscience guy out here to prove it!

Boomer:  Corey Hart, you have to have heart!

Uh-oh, he’s got a pun friendly last name.  I feel a downpour coming.

Boomer:  Obviously he’s taken that swing to heart!

Oh no.  My skin is crawling….. 

Boomer:  Corey Hart, the young man from Bowling Green is bowling them out of here!

Reaching critical mass….

Boomer:  Whoa, this one is waaaay back.  This one is on the way to San Juan Capistrano!

To his credit San Juan Capistrano is located Southeast of the ballpark, so it’s possible that home plate kind of faces that direction.  He’s not so lucky on his Torrance reference later. 

Joe:  Great game plan by Corey Hart.

Trying to hit the ball as far as he could as many times as possible is a great game plan in a homerun derby.  I know this an event that renders analysis useless, but that’s still pretty stupid.

Boomer:  As they say in Canada, “he put the ball on Holliday.”

That sounds more British than Canadian.  Now if you add an “eh” at the end, I wouldn’t have questioned a thing.

Boomer:  He had a good run with the gold balls. 

He-he, he talked about gold balls.

Boomer:  He (Papi) is such a face for baseball.

I have no idea what this means.  Maybe the WWL should have a one hour special to announce what buffet Papi will destroy after the Derby.

Joe:  He’s (Papi) not showing any sign of nervousness.

The guy has played in two world series, numerous playoff games, multiple all-star games and Homerun derbies, and starred in a couple of awkward steroid denial press conferences.  I doubt televised batting practice gets him real worked up, cage or no cage, hat or no hat.

Boomer:  I don’t want to keep heaping the praise (on Papi) but let’s not forget, when we talk about clutch hitters on this generation of baseball, his name has to be right in there. 

Brett Favre agrees with the heaping praise comments.  He’s never felt Berman has given him his due.

Joe:  He’s (Papi) had so many clutch hits….

Bobby V:  Like that.

Boomer:  GOOD-BYE!!

Let’s compare the 9th homer of a home run derby to clutch hits in the World Series.  They’re very comparable.

Joe:  Couple more like that and he (Papi) will be in good shape.

So the more homers the better?  Got it.  For his next act Joe will explain the intricacies of beer pong. 

Bobby V:  You really have to have presence to stand up there.

Corey Hart takes offense to this.

Boomer:  It’s a moon ball… To the moon Alice!

Bobby V:  Ok Ralph. 

Reference to TV/music/movies that nobody under retirement age will understand?  Check.

Will Ferrell:  What time is it?  Home-run o’clock! 

Points for Will Ferrell as I think he was openly mocking the broadcasting crew with this comment.

Boomer (Doing Ferrell doing Harry Caray):  Check out the kid in the sombrero!

I love this line.  God help me I do.  Berman got me to laugh once.  Dammit!

Boomer:  Wow, that’s almost to Torrance, OK. 

This joke could work if the ball entered the Earth’s orbit and circumnavigated the globe.  Forget it, the joke sucks.

Joe:  Miguel Cabrera is like Manny Ramirez in that he uses his upper body, lower body and his hands. 

As opposed to whom exactly?  I heard Babe Ruth used to hit homers with the barrel of the bat sticking out his zipper.  It was the original fat bat!

Boomer:  That one is on the way to Catalina Island!

…and I’m out.  That’s all I can take.  I’m human.

Today's tennis match was a stalemate for the ages. Kind of like getting drunk and playing risk. I could have been cooler.

Here’s the thing.  I watched more of this match today than I would rightfully admit and other than watching the game count tick upwards towards the absurd the tennis itself wasn’t exactly breathless.  One guy would serve, win his game easily and then get drubbed when the other guy would serve.  There was a sense of inevitability and an odd momentum to the proceedings.  This match was never going to end and the participants almost seemed resigned to it.   Sure John Isner tried to come to the net before his legs quit working and Nicolas Mahut skipped around like a jitterbug even following the 58-58 toidy break.  Neither tried to force the action on the other’s serve either because the other guy was on fire serving or they were under hypnosis. 

Just how much of a tug-of-war was it?  This monstrosity of a fifth set saw a total of four match points by Isner, the third and the fourth separated by three hours.  Mahut on the otherhand was able to muster two break points in game 101.  It took 50 games to get ONE break point!!!!!  At what point do you just say screw it and start charging the net every point, if for no other reason than to drive this to a conclusion?  Didn’t either of them want to quit?  Or just take a leak?  Or eat a sandwich? 

In the end this was far from the best tennis match ever played.  This was more of a Festivus feat of strength along the lines of the hot-dog eating contest or a Patrick Kane post-Cup bender than a moment of tennis beauty.  Either way, I will be watching when it resumes tomorrow.  Hopefully Isner can move any part of his body.

Alfonso Soriano wondering if he should swing harder next time.

Don’t let the fact it comes from “glass half full” Cubs play-by-play man Len Kasper make you question the validity of said case.  Wait a minute, it probably should.  On Tuesday’s Len and Bob blog on the WGN TV website, Lenny laid out a case that Alfonso Soriano’s recent surface of the sun hot streak could be due to a fundamental change in approach.  I’m all for finding a silver-lining in this crap cloud since Soriano will be a Cub for most of my adult life.  Let’s see if Len is making any salient points here.

He’s seeing 4.01 pitches per plate appearance, the most of his career (1st time he’s been above 4).

This is encouraging.  Probably a sample size thing. 

He’s swinging at under 17% of the 1st pitches he sees, which is ridiculously lower than his career 1st Pitch Swing % of 31.3.

This is more encouraging.  Could he be growing as a hitter, instead of just hacking like a beer league softball player?

His swing and miss % is 23.7, which is his lowest in a full season.

Sorry Len.  I think this just means he’s hitting the ball well.  Let’s review the rule of small sample sizes.

His 35.8 groundball % is the lowest of his career (meaning he’s hitting more flyballs than ever).

See above. 

It has certainly been refreshing to see that Sori can still get white hot at times.  After last season you had to wonder if he even had that in him any more.  The Cubs desperately need him to be a lineup presence as he can carry the team during these stretches.  With Aramis Ramirez approaching the game with the blank look of Island Sayid, Sori’s bat is more important than ever.  However these hot stretches have defined his entire career.  He’s like a python swallowing his stats whole and not eating again for weeks.  (Animal Planet did not approve this analogy.)

Do I think that we are really seeing the genesis of a smarter, more patient Soriano?  Unfortunately, I don’t.  Do I think hitting shaman Rudy Jaramillo is having a Dave Duncan-like effect on our favorite overpaid superstar?  Sorry.   It’s a trademark Soriano hot streak.  You can expect to be cursing at him through your TV very soon.

I'm scratching my head too big fella.

Today the Chicago Cubs violated this simple tenet of asset valuation when they assigned their $18M a year “ace” starting pitcher to the bullpen.  Beginning on Friday, Big Z will be the set-up man to Carlos Marmol.  The Cubs are taking a starting pitcher who is paid handsomely to pitch 200-230 innings per year and reducing him to an 8th inning set up man who will likely pitch a third of those innings.  Again, he will be on the field one third of the time that he was prior to this switch.  To expand on the house analogy, this move is taking a bulldozer to the new addition you put on the back of the house, moving into your basement and continuing to pay your adjustable rate mortgage.  Regardless of how much you pimp out your basement you are not getting the full value on your 3-bedroom investment.  Baseball middle relievers, while important, are by definition the worst pitchers on the staff.  They aren’t good enough to start and they aren’t good enough to close.  They are the last guys on any pitching staff.  They have the least value and are the most replaceable. 

This article is not a love letter to Big Z.  I find his reluctance to mature and move his game to the next level frustrating.  I find his high pitch counts infuriating.  What Big Z has consistently brought to the table is durability.  Last season was the first time since 2003 that he hasn’t posted 200+ innings, when he battled back and arm troubles and was limited to 188.   He’s the anti-Wood.  This isn’t a move to save his arm.  He eats more innings than almost any other pitcher in baseball.  Moving him to the bullpen opens up well over 100 innings to be filled by someone other than the man who you are paying $18M to essentially eat innings for you. 

Who do the Cubs think can take over these unclaimed innings?  Why not Tom Gorzelanny and Carlos Silva?  Yes, the same Tom Gorzelanny who the Cubs acquired from the Pirates minor league system because he couldn’t cut in their rotation.  In case you missed it, THAT WAS THE PIRATES ROTATION!  And yes, the same Carlos Silva who the Mariners were willing to PAY the Cubs $9M to take, WHILE ALSO  ingesting the cancerous tumor that is Milton Bradley into their clubhouse.  Stray dogs are more wanted than he was in Seattle.  To sum up:  One guy couldn’t cut it on one of the worst teams in baseball and the other was given to you in a trade for your biggest headache plus $9M in cash.  These are not the men I’m ready to lean on for a couple of hundred innings apiece.

Silva in particular is a baffling case as he is the one that should be on the move as Gorzelanny is left-handed and the Cubs already have two lefties in the bullpen.  After submitting  two absolute stink bomb seasons in Seattle after signing a big free agent contract, Silva now has three straight quality starts to begin his Cub career.  The rule of the small sample size would seem to apply but, naturally, the Cubs are ignoring it.  Can either of them match Zambrano’s durability?  Do you even have to ask?  Gorzelanny was on the DL in 2008, and Silva had injury stints in 2008 and 2009.  By replacing Z with two injury-prone and suck-prone fringe starters the Cubs have most likely INCREASED the likelihood that they will have to rely on this craptacular bullpen only now they have decreased the probability that they have the lead when they make the call.  BRILLIANT!

Forget the fundamental question of value and let’s talk about whether we can expect Zambrano to succeed in this role, one he hasn’t occupied since his rookie season in 2002.  In that season Big Z sucked out of the pen with an ERA over 5 in limited appearances.  There is no doubt that Big Z is a different pitcher now than he was then.  I spent a good amount of time researching statistics that I were hoping would prove my point that he isn’t suited for the bullpen.  I didn’t really find them.  Big Z’s BB/9 rate increased last year to 4.15/9which would seem to indicate trouble but his K/9 rate went up for the first time in a couple of seasons to over 8/9.  His 1st strike percentages and balls put in play averages are better than the MLB averages which probably means nothing more than he is an above average pitcher, something that gets you $91M contracts these days. 

How Big Z adjusts to the role will be a key factor given his propensity for acting like a lunatic.  Will he take the demotion in stride or will he take his wounded pride out on the mound with him?  How will he handle entering the game with men on base?  He’s been known to overthrow at times, like in his first inning, like seemingly every time out.  To be fair to the Lou/Hendry two-headed moron monster (see that’s fair), he is an infinitely more talented pitcher than the flotsam the Cubs are running out each night.  He should be able to miss more bats and provide the right-handed setup punch the back end of the bullpen is sorely missing.  Whether that ultimately leads to more wins for the reasons listed above remains to be seen.  Whether it leads to the unraveling of Carlos Zambrano remains to be seen.

Lou Piniella celebrates his latest bullpen fix.

This Cubs team is fighting against the clock and the seemingly unavoidable reality that the window for this team closed when James Loney homered for the Dodgers in Game 1 of the 2008 NLDS.   Even a seasoned veteran like Lou seems to be more erratic.  Only days ago he was chastising reporters for intimating a lineup change may be in order by preaching patience as the season was still young.  He follows up that statement by drop-kicking the panic button less than 10 days later.  The Cubs management structure should look a lot different next year with the new ownership on board.  Lou will retire, he may have already actually.  Hendry is fighting for his life and is trying desperately to find a band-aid for the landfill of a middle relief corps he has assembled.  These men are desperate, look no further than this move for proof.   

Irony seems to surround the Cubs so let’s not let this one get past.  The new owner of the Cubs is Tom Ricketts the man who made his fortune by running the online brokerage TD Ameritrade.  This is a man who understands how to maximize the value of his assets.  He’s a man who understands you don’t take a dollar and turn it into 30 cents like the Cubs did today.  I would expect changes in the coming years.

Mark Teixeira circling the bases after a big homerun. It must be after Memorial Day.

Major League Baseball has one of these assholes.  He makes more money than almost everyone, he plays for the most famous team in the league and if April is the morning of the baseball season this jerk-off is showing up at 9am with bed-head.  His name is Mark Teixeira. 

Tex is pulling his annual sleeping beauty act in the month of April, perhaps his deepest slumber of them all.  To date the big fella has 3 hits, all of them in the same game.  His average is a sickle cell .111 and he hasn’t sniffed a homer.  The bat looks slow and rumors are swirling that he may not be in peak physical condition.  The slow starts are nothing new for Tex.  He’s a career .243 hitter in April and has only hit more than 3 homers twice in his seven year career.  The RBI’s don’t come either.  In seven seasons his has 74 RBI’s, just a smidge over 10 a month.  These are not the numbers befitting a man getting paid 8 figures a season. 

It’s time we get the reason for my frustrations out on the table.  You are not reading a blog by an obnoxious Yankee die-hard who is searching to bitch about something six months after racking up title number 27.  You are talking to somebody even less rational about his struggles.  You are talking to a fantasy owner. 

Tex’s April struggles are nothing new to me.  I spent a late round flier back in the 2005 draft and have reaped the rewards every year since.  The last couple of seasons – starting with the 13 homers through July bit in 2007 – have left me lukewarm about my guy.  My keeper league is a standard 10 category head to head league, a format I’m beginning to re-think my draft strategy in.  Baseball is full of streak guys, none bigger than Tex.  His sleep for month, crush it for two weeks and end up with great numbers bit is better served in a rotisserie style league where the stats are cumulative.  In a head to head he’s leaving you hanging more than leading you to victory.  It’s starting again this year.  Last week I lost by two homers and got blown out in batting average.  This week I’m down a couple of homers and RBI’s.  Will my number one slugger carry me over the top or continue to play dead?

Like my collarless buddy with sleep creases on his face, Tex doesn’t seem to alter his approach to improve his performance.  Figure it out!  Hit more balls, see a hypnotist, do something to prepare yourself to excel WHEN THE SEASON STARTS!!   Be a pro.

No doubt this slow start will be a distant memory on August 15th when Tex hits homer number 30 and an even more distant memory when I’m drooling over his final stat line come March of next season when it’s time to turn in keepers.  I just can’t quit him.  He’s fantasy napalm. 

(Dear DU Drinking League members:  Consider this my official request to move to a daily transaction rotisserie format.  Thank you for your time.)

Before we begin I would like to assure you, the reader, that I have “plenty of tread on my tires.”  Thank you.  I needed to get that off my chest.

QB’s: 

Arizona:  Kurt Warner-Flanders decided to hang up the spikes to preserve his health and spend time with his family.  That’s great for Warner but it leaves fantasy owners searching for some divine intervention.  Matt Leinart’s career highlights to date have occurred in and around roof-top hot tubs and not in between the lines.  Whether it’s Leinart, Brian St. Pierre ( a FA himself) or QB X from the pu-pu platter of Free Agents, the Cardinals high flying offense is bound to suffer.  This can’t help Larry Fitz. 

RB’s:

Time for LT to Electric Glide out of fantasy relevance.

San Diego:  The Honorary Team Captain of the “Players Who Screwed the Most Fantasy Seasons” LaDanian Tomlinson has been released by the Chargers.  Everyone should rejoice.  You will never make the mistake of drafting him again.  From my wife who spent her first pick on LT’s corpse, “I haven’t made a decision that damaging since I let my husband take me to see Rat Race. It took years to erase this film from my mind, and the same will come from L.T.’s dismal performance.  LT was like that sad, ill little cat who limped around the house begging to be put to sleep.  I wanted to keep him around hoping that he would turn the corner, but he never did and neither did the cat.”   Strong words from a woman who considers Golden Girls as one of her favorite shows.  The Chargers briefly toyed with the idea of releasing Darren Sproles but ended up offering him tender all but ensuring his return to the team.  Expect the Chargers to take a running back early in the draft and expect that rookie back to figure prominently next season.  It doesn’t appear as though the Chargers are going to give Sproles feature back status.  (You can see the entire Electric Glide here.)

Philadelphia:  Brian Westbrook has been a fantasy franchise player for five seasons now.  If you owned him in a keeper league (sigh) you had the feeling that you were going to keep him one season too long (sigh).  Well, last season was one too long.  Westbrook found the one injury that wasn’t questionable, the dreaded concussion and was cut by the Eagles this offseason.  Second year man LeSean McCoy stands to benefit the most and would seem to be a young shifty type of back to fill in Westbrook’s shoes.  The problem is that McCoy wasn’t all that productive this season, was bad in blitz pickup and had fumble issues.  Enter Leonard Weaver to steal carries at the end of the year and the Eagles moving to a nearly exclusive passing offense.  Weaver has re-signed for next season meaning this situation looks a little platoon-y headed into 2010.  If you are looking to keep McCoy you are going to need to watch this situation closely.

Thomas Jones is in good shape. He looks like an action figure.

New York Jets:  Finally some good news for Keeper Leaguers!  Shonn Greene, despite having only 7 carries in the first 6 weeks of play, has unseated Thomas Jones who rushed for 1400 yards and 14 TD’s despite being on the wrong side of 30 years old.  Ultimately, Jones age and salary structure along with Greene’s fresh-legged performance in the playoffs is the impetus for the move.  Greene looked outstanding in the playoffs running with power and game breaking explosiveness.  He’s an absolute keeper and should enter next year with Top 15 pick potential.  You have to feel for Jones.  The guy has put up five straight 1000 yards seasons and has had 27 TD’s in the past two years.  With numbers like these the guy has every right to think he’s earned the right to be the feature back despite his advancing age.  I hope he gets the chance unless…..

Kansas City:  ….it’s in Kansas City.  Jones is making a visit to the Chiefs this week in a move that can only serve to piss off fantasy owners everywhere.  Jamaal Charles was great last season.  The guy is a homerun hitter of the highest order and somebody with huge value in leagues that reward long TD’s.  He doesn’t need to paired with a player like Jones who wants 25 carries a game and will sulk if he doesn’t get them.  Let Jones sign where he can get 25 carries, places like Washington, Cleveland, San Diego, Seattle or even Houston (sorry Slaton guys).  Pair Charles with a capable backup who is fine being second banana.  Memo to the Chiefs, the Pats just released Kevin Faulk.  Call him up!

Chicago:   The Bears drunken, Nic Cage-esque spending spree was surprising on any number of levels.  Not the least of which included embattled GM Jerry Angelo willingly backing the truck over one of his only offensive draft successes (at least for a season) in Matt Forte.  On the surface Forte would seem to be the type of versatile back with receiving skills that would fit in well with a Mike Martz offense.  Apparently he didn’t fit well enough.  The Bears lavished a big contract on the equally versatile but considerably older Chester Taylor to complete with Forte for the starting gig.  For a team with gaping holes at safety, offensive line and wide receiver this was an interesting use of their free agent funds.  As far as fantasy goes we are staring down the barrel of a platoon here.  Chester will get every opportunity to win the starting job but Forte is good enough to ensure he won’t be buried on the depth chart.  Cross Chicago off the list of true feature back destinations and toss them into the pit of RB platoons. 

This unassuming running back on a bad team will be a divisive character come draft time.

Cleveland:  Jerome Harrison was a revelation in the fantasy playoffs, that is if you were desperate enough to start him.  A restricted free agent this offseason, Harrison has been tendered by the Browns and looks to return as the starting running back.  Expect the Browns to sign someone to compete with Harrison or to back him up as Football/Salad Bar Czar Mike Holmgren has openly questioned his durability over a 16 game schedule as a feature back.  It would seem doubtful that Cleveland would spend decent money on one of the big name FA’s, but regardless of who is brought in Harrison should be able to secure 15-20 touches per game.  This will be a high risk/high reward pick in 2010 drafts.  He’s not for the faint of heart.

Washington:  The ‘Skins obviously weren’t enamored with their running back corp after losing Clinton Portis to the dreaded concussion last season.  Since the end of the season they have parted ways with backups Ladell Betts, Quinton Gaither and Rock Cartwright all of which started games due to injuries.  Portis is still on the roster however and his presence looms large.  To steal from the most overrused phrase from this NFL offseason; Portis “doesn’t have a lot of tread left on his tires,” with 2176 career carries.  Yikes!  I have rented tuxedo shoes have more tread.  Willie Parker is in Washington as we speak for a visit.  Whether Parker is the RB the Redskins settle on it seems sure that they will entertain one of the big name FA’s (Westbrook, LT, Jones) because that’s what the Redskins do.  They pay for old free agents.  It’s anyone’s guess if Portis survives this offseason.  Mike Shanahan has traded him once already back when he was elite.  This looks to be an eventual platoon hell set up.

Houston:  The Treasurer of the “Players Who Screwed the Most Fantasy Seasons” Steve Slaton seems to have blown his shot to be a feature back.  The Texans finished 30th in rushing last year and Slaton put the ball on the ground waaaayy too much.  Durability was a concern with Slaton and last season didn’t dispel that notion with Slaton going on IR with a neck injury late in the year.  It appears that the Texans are going to address this position early in the draft this year.  Keep an eye on this situation.  If you thought you stumbled into a late round keeper gem with Slaton it appears you are S.O.L. 

WR’s:

Denver/Seattle/Cincinnati/Any other team that signs Brandon Marshall:  Marshall will excel wherever he ends up pending that he doesn’t go crazy.  The guy is a great talent.  His presence could help make a Matt Hasselbeck or Carson Palmer a QB with some value in the mid-late rounds next year.  Meanwhile Kyle Orton will continue to vacation off the face of the earth on fantasy draft day.  Right where he belongs. 

Baltimore:  Anquan Boldin is the latest to bail on the Cardinals basically forcing his way out through a trade to the Ravens.  It’s hard to determine how Boldin’s fantasy value will shake out next year.  On one hand he is leaving a high-flying but crowded offense to one with a young QB but no other WR’s of note.  The Ravens have proven over the past two years that they love to throw the deep ball and have been able to keep an ancient Derrick Mason fantasy relevant.    The problem is that Boldin isn’t a deep ball threat.  He’s a possession receiver and red zone ace.  In the end it’s probably a wash making this entire paragraph fairly pointless. 

Arizona:  As we discussed earlier the QB situation will no doubt hurt this offense.  In response to the Boldin trade the Cards will need to find a new 2nd receiver and primary beneficiary of Larry Fitz double teams.  The smart money is on Steve Breaston.  He’s a polished receiver and has been productive in this system for a couple of years.  Fantasy owners should track Early Doucet as he had a breakout performance in the playoffs.  Again, this all hinges on the QB.  I trust Matt Leinart to bring babes to a party or to make a good margarita.  I don’t trust him as a starting NFL quarterback.

Matt Leinart in a human chlamydia petri dish learning how to breakdown a quadruple team. Thank you TheDirty.com.

In an attempt to illustrate my point, here are some sample quotes from Sweet Lou in the days leading up to and during the first few days of Spring Training.  (I know I’m taking these out of context and I don’t give a crap.)

Lou trying to decide whether to have chicken or steak for dinner.

On Cub prospect Starlin Castro, the culprit for the lump in the pants of most Cub fans and the only reason to check spring training box scores:

 “I’m looking forward to seeing our young shortstop, (Starlin) Castro. Everybody raves about him. I’ve never seen him. But I would think he wound end up in Triple-A.”

Thanks Lou.  I’m glad nobody sent you tape of this kid hitting .400 in the Arizona Fall League.  I hope you realize when he arrives you will have to quit playing Mike Fontenot.

Lou on the leadoff spot, the never ending ass-pain of the Cubs lineup.

‘I haven’t thought about it all that much, to be honest,” Piniella said. ”We’ll see what happens here in the spring with it. We’ll just use one one day and use one the next, and we’ll see. It depends how they’re swinging the bat, depends on who the [opposing] pitcher is — there’ll be some variable.  But we’d like to stay constant, too. We’ll come up with something.”

It’s good to see you haven’t been laying awake thinking about the spot that has submarined your lineup ever since you arrived.  I know you don’t want to hand the job to Fukudome or Theriot since neither should be leading off but apparently this is what a $140M lineup looks like.  Thankfully the name Soriano wasn’t uttered.  (I’m loving the idea of a variable constant.  It sounds like a LOST episode.)

Lou to a New York reporter on pressure of being a Cub.

“You never would think it, but there is pressure in Chicago. They haven’t won in so long. They are going to win. It’s just a question of when and how soon. It’s a wonderful franchise. It’s a really nice city and Wrigley Field is a fun place to play. You start a ballgame and you feel like you are in the British Open with the wind blowing, light rain and so forth, and all of a sudden it ends up a sunny day and you’re hitting the ball with 9-irons into the left-field bleachers.” 

He apparently thought the Cubs were some kind of fantasy camp/amusement park where people didn’t care if they won.  That may have been true up until 2003, the year Lou went to manage Tampa, grew his graybeard and apparently shut down the baseball part of his brain.  Also, what’s up with the “they?”  If ordinary fans call a team “we” shouldn’t the manager, you know, the leader of the team?  (This also seems to prove my hypothesis that he’s thinking about golf during games.)

Lou on if he is going to manage past this year, the last of his contract. 

We’ll see. I’m getting up there in age. I still have the desire. I still have the passion for it. I’m not putting any timetable on it. I’m going to do the best I can this year and we’ll see what happens at the end of the year.

He’s done.  Stick a fork in him.  His mind is on life after baseball.  Lou’s next stop after his Cub managing days come to a close (early October, no playoffs) will be straight to an assisted living complex in the Tampa area.  I can see him as the honorary bingo caller and growing out his “don’t give a crap graybeard (see last July and every Tampa season)” and don some pastel colored pants.  He will be coming to a card show near you. 

Finally, we have his comments today about Ozzie Guillen starting a Twitter account.  (Guillen on Twitter is simply fantastic.  There is no better forum for a man who has no filter and a red hot temper.  When you talk about a perfect match for man to media this is it.   This may cost him his job at some point.)

“No, no, no, no, no,” he said. “First of all I don’t know how to Twitter, and second of all I’m not going to learn how to Twitter.

Here is something we agree on.  Twitter is freaking stupid.

I am not nearly this excited for the Winter Games. They have inspired me to read. Seriously.

It seems my wife can sense this emptiness and is looking for ways to keep me from self-medicating my Sports Affective Disorder (the new winter SAD) with hard liquor or by re-watching all the seasons of Lost.  She found one hell of a time consuming diversion by giving me, “The Book of Basketball” by the man who knows no brevity, Bill Simmons.  Knowing that this book was able to stop a bullet from a hand gun, reading it felt like a tall task.  Despite having nothing better to do, I still needed something to come along and prod me into picking up this monster and digging in.  It would have to be a special event, one that doesn’t come along every year, and one that would move my TV indifferent wife into couch potato mode cutting me off from Simpsons/Lost re-runs.  Enter the Winter Olympics and a choice.  TBOB or evenings filled with pairs figure skating?

The Winter Olympics and the TBOB have quite a bit in common.  Both are loaded with filler.  The Winter Olympics showed a piece on Canadian Polar Bears while Simmons riffed on what would have happened if Leo strapped on a 12 inch foam rubber schlong instead of Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights.  Neither add anything to the overall narrative and only one is mildly entertaining.  Both are self-indulgent.  The Winter Olympics have Jimmy Roberts working himself into a lather with a puff piece about cancer or curling.  The prologue to TBOB finds Simmons drawing himself a warm bath, pouring a glass of red wine and rubbing one out to the Larry Bird era Celtics.  If that image disgusts you try reading it for 30 pages.  The guy takes his time.

What is going to win out:  The tape delayed Olympics with sports that I know and care very little about or a meandering manifesto about professional basketball?  Since Sunday I have read about 200 pages of TBOB.  It’s destroying the Winter Olympics as we stand today.  Simmons writing style is engaging, his humor comes easily, and the information download in the book is extraordinary.  The guy knows a lot about professional basketball and if he’s wrong I’m in no position to contradict him.  Prepare yourself for a fair share of Celtic fellatio, a good amount of pointless movie references, and a hell of a lot of your free time wasted.  If you can get past that you will learn a lot and enjoy yourself along the way. 

The Winter Olympics, on the other hand  remain one of my least favorite sporting events.  Downhill skiing is fun for about an hour, bobsled and luge look identical regardless of whether the 1st place finisher or the 38th place finisher are hurtling down the hill, snowboarding was added to increase American medal count and figure skating holds no appeal for me whatsoever.  When you add the fact that NBC shows about 15 minutes worth of events in a given hour and teases events in primetime that were decided up to 12 hours before they were broadcast, you have a global event that feels like a global let down.   

I can take solace that every dark day of the sports abyss draws us closer to the end.  There were four magic words that were uttered today that will help my SAD more than any other.  “Pitchers and catchers report.”   Hurry up baseball, I need you.

The Big Lead is reporting that the NFL Network is apparently not driven to fits of rage by his incessant whooping and would like to pry the windbag from ESPN.  Unfortunately for fans of the NFL the move couldn’t happen until Berman’s contract expires in May.  That means one more draft full of his incoherent ramblings.  If you’re a baseball fan like myself, enduring one more bad NFL draft is an extrordinarily small price to pay.  Imagine being able to enjoy the Homerun Derby without the flurry of back, back, backs and exhaustive listing of local landmarks that baseballs are traveling towards.  I have tears in my eyes right now.

Could this be a new look for the Swami? Could we be so lucky?

According to the TBL post the question Berman needs to reconcile is whether more money and less work is worth more than broadcasting baseball and a broader audience.  The easy answer is more money and less work.  It’s clear he isn’t overly passionate about his craft at this point.  The man is a monument to complacency.  His schtick hasn’t varied since I had braces and rolled my jeans.  Despite this, I think he dearly wants to stay at ESPN.  The Nutrisystem diet has shrunken his mid-section but not his ego.  He would never leave the mothership he helped create for a smaller audience.  He loves being the bloated, red face of ESPN. 

Whether ESPN is willing to go great lengths to keep Berman remains to be seen.  If the recent Late-Night wars have taught us anything it is that a silent majority clearly exists in this country.  While you will have to comb the furthest reaches of the blogosphere to find somebody that will support Jay Leno (further to find somebody who thinks he’s funny) he remains the clear ratings leader in the Late Night space.  I’m guessing the same is true for Berman.  He’s a TV institution that is easily identifiable and has never had an ill word to say about anyone at any time.  (Except here.)  While you probably don’t think you know anyone that likes Berman, it is probably just the opposite.  You just don’t care what they think.

Unfortunately for all of us that like sports this smells like a negotiation ploy more than a legitimate possibility.  I see a good deal of  Three Dog Night references in all of our futures.  WHOOP!