Before we begin I would like to assure you, the reader, that I have “plenty of tread on my tires.”  Thank you.  I needed to get that off my chest.

QB’s: 

Arizona:  Kurt Warner-Flanders decided to hang up the spikes to preserve his health and spend time with his family.  That’s great for Warner but it leaves fantasy owners searching for some divine intervention.  Matt Leinart’s career highlights to date have occurred in and around roof-top hot tubs and not in between the lines.  Whether it’s Leinart, Brian St. Pierre ( a FA himself) or QB X from the pu-pu platter of Free Agents, the Cardinals high flying offense is bound to suffer.  This can’t help Larry Fitz. 

RB’s:

Time for LT to Electric Glide out of fantasy relevance.

San Diego:  The Honorary Team Captain of the “Players Who Screwed the Most Fantasy Seasons” LaDanian Tomlinson has been released by the Chargers.  Everyone should rejoice.  You will never make the mistake of drafting him again.  From my wife who spent her first pick on LT’s corpse, “I haven’t made a decision that damaging since I let my husband take me to see Rat Race. It took years to erase this film from my mind, and the same will come from L.T.’s dismal performance.  LT was like that sad, ill little cat who limped around the house begging to be put to sleep.  I wanted to keep him around hoping that he would turn the corner, but he never did and neither did the cat.”   Strong words from a woman who considers Golden Girls as one of her favorite shows.  The Chargers briefly toyed with the idea of releasing Darren Sproles but ended up offering him tender all but ensuring his return to the team.  Expect the Chargers to take a running back early in the draft and expect that rookie back to figure prominently next season.  It doesn’t appear as though the Chargers are going to give Sproles feature back status.  (You can see the entire Electric Glide here.)

Philadelphia:  Brian Westbrook has been a fantasy franchise player for five seasons now.  If you owned him in a keeper league (sigh) you had the feeling that you were going to keep him one season too long (sigh).  Well, last season was one too long.  Westbrook found the one injury that wasn’t questionable, the dreaded concussion and was cut by the Eagles this offseason.  Second year man LeSean McCoy stands to benefit the most and would seem to be a young shifty type of back to fill in Westbrook’s shoes.  The problem is that McCoy wasn’t all that productive this season, was bad in blitz pickup and had fumble issues.  Enter Leonard Weaver to steal carries at the end of the year and the Eagles moving to a nearly exclusive passing offense.  Weaver has re-signed for next season meaning this situation looks a little platoon-y headed into 2010.  If you are looking to keep McCoy you are going to need to watch this situation closely.

Thomas Jones is in good shape. He looks like an action figure.

New York Jets:  Finally some good news for Keeper Leaguers!  Shonn Greene, despite having only 7 carries in the first 6 weeks of play, has unseated Thomas Jones who rushed for 1400 yards and 14 TD’s despite being on the wrong side of 30 years old.  Ultimately, Jones age and salary structure along with Greene’s fresh-legged performance in the playoffs is the impetus for the move.  Greene looked outstanding in the playoffs running with power and game breaking explosiveness.  He’s an absolute keeper and should enter next year with Top 15 pick potential.  You have to feel for Jones.  The guy has put up five straight 1000 yards seasons and has had 27 TD’s in the past two years.  With numbers like these the guy has every right to think he’s earned the right to be the feature back despite his advancing age.  I hope he gets the chance unless…..

Kansas City:  ….it’s in Kansas City.  Jones is making a visit to the Chiefs this week in a move that can only serve to piss off fantasy owners everywhere.  Jamaal Charles was great last season.  The guy is a homerun hitter of the highest order and somebody with huge value in leagues that reward long TD’s.  He doesn’t need to paired with a player like Jones who wants 25 carries a game and will sulk if he doesn’t get them.  Let Jones sign where he can get 25 carries, places like Washington, Cleveland, San Diego, Seattle or even Houston (sorry Slaton guys).  Pair Charles with a capable backup who is fine being second banana.  Memo to the Chiefs, the Pats just released Kevin Faulk.  Call him up!

Chicago:   The Bears drunken, Nic Cage-esque spending spree was surprising on any number of levels.  Not the least of which included embattled GM Jerry Angelo willingly backing the truck over one of his only offensive draft successes (at least for a season) in Matt Forte.  On the surface Forte would seem to be the type of versatile back with receiving skills that would fit in well with a Mike Martz offense.  Apparently he didn’t fit well enough.  The Bears lavished a big contract on the equally versatile but considerably older Chester Taylor to complete with Forte for the starting gig.  For a team with gaping holes at safety, offensive line and wide receiver this was an interesting use of their free agent funds.  As far as fantasy goes we are staring down the barrel of a platoon here.  Chester will get every opportunity to win the starting job but Forte is good enough to ensure he won’t be buried on the depth chart.  Cross Chicago off the list of true feature back destinations and toss them into the pit of RB platoons. 

This unassuming running back on a bad team will be a divisive character come draft time.

Cleveland:  Jerome Harrison was a revelation in the fantasy playoffs, that is if you were desperate enough to start him.  A restricted free agent this offseason, Harrison has been tendered by the Browns and looks to return as the starting running back.  Expect the Browns to sign someone to compete with Harrison or to back him up as Football/Salad Bar Czar Mike Holmgren has openly questioned his durability over a 16 game schedule as a feature back.  It would seem doubtful that Cleveland would spend decent money on one of the big name FA’s, but regardless of who is brought in Harrison should be able to secure 15-20 touches per game.  This will be a high risk/high reward pick in 2010 drafts.  He’s not for the faint of heart.

Washington:  The ‘Skins obviously weren’t enamored with their running back corp after losing Clinton Portis to the dreaded concussion last season.  Since the end of the season they have parted ways with backups Ladell Betts, Quinton Gaither and Rock Cartwright all of which started games due to injuries.  Portis is still on the roster however and his presence looms large.  To steal from the most overrused phrase from this NFL offseason; Portis “doesn’t have a lot of tread left on his tires,” with 2176 career carries.  Yikes!  I have rented tuxedo shoes have more tread.  Willie Parker is in Washington as we speak for a visit.  Whether Parker is the RB the Redskins settle on it seems sure that they will entertain one of the big name FA’s (Westbrook, LT, Jones) because that’s what the Redskins do.  They pay for old free agents.  It’s anyone’s guess if Portis survives this offseason.  Mike Shanahan has traded him once already back when he was elite.  This looks to be an eventual platoon hell set up.

Houston:  The Treasurer of the “Players Who Screwed the Most Fantasy Seasons” Steve Slaton seems to have blown his shot to be a feature back.  The Texans finished 30th in rushing last year and Slaton put the ball on the ground waaaayy too much.  Durability was a concern with Slaton and last season didn’t dispel that notion with Slaton going on IR with a neck injury late in the year.  It appears that the Texans are going to address this position early in the draft this year.  Keep an eye on this situation.  If you thought you stumbled into a late round keeper gem with Slaton it appears you are S.O.L. 

WR’s:

Denver/Seattle/Cincinnati/Any other team that signs Brandon Marshall:  Marshall will excel wherever he ends up pending that he doesn’t go crazy.  The guy is a great talent.  His presence could help make a Matt Hasselbeck or Carson Palmer a QB with some value in the mid-late rounds next year.  Meanwhile Kyle Orton will continue to vacation off the face of the earth on fantasy draft day.  Right where he belongs. 

Baltimore:  Anquan Boldin is the latest to bail on the Cardinals basically forcing his way out through a trade to the Ravens.  It’s hard to determine how Boldin’s fantasy value will shake out next year.  On one hand he is leaving a high-flying but crowded offense to one with a young QB but no other WR’s of note.  The Ravens have proven over the past two years that they love to throw the deep ball and have been able to keep an ancient Derrick Mason fantasy relevant.    The problem is that Boldin isn’t a deep ball threat.  He’s a possession receiver and red zone ace.  In the end it’s probably a wash making this entire paragraph fairly pointless. 

Arizona:  As we discussed earlier the QB situation will no doubt hurt this offense.  In response to the Boldin trade the Cards will need to find a new 2nd receiver and primary beneficiary of Larry Fitz double teams.  The smart money is on Steve Breaston.  He’s a polished receiver and has been productive in this system for a couple of years.  Fantasy owners should track Early Doucet as he had a breakout performance in the playoffs.  Again, this all hinges on the QB.  I trust Matt Leinart to bring babes to a party or to make a good margarita.  I don’t trust him as a starting NFL quarterback.

Matt Leinart in a human chlamydia petri dish learning how to breakdown a quadruple team. Thank you TheDirty.com.

In an attempt to illustrate my point, here are some sample quotes from Sweet Lou in the days leading up to and during the first few days of Spring Training.  (I know I’m taking these out of context and I don’t give a crap.)

Lou trying to decide whether to have chicken or steak for dinner.

On Cub prospect Starlin Castro, the culprit for the lump in the pants of most Cub fans and the only reason to check spring training box scores:

 “I’m looking forward to seeing our young shortstop, (Starlin) Castro. Everybody raves about him. I’ve never seen him. But I would think he wound end up in Triple-A.”

Thanks Lou.  I’m glad nobody sent you tape of this kid hitting .400 in the Arizona Fall League.  I hope you realize when he arrives you will have to quit playing Mike Fontenot.

Lou on the leadoff spot, the never ending ass-pain of the Cubs lineup.

‘I haven’t thought about it all that much, to be honest,” Piniella said. ”We’ll see what happens here in the spring with it. We’ll just use one one day and use one the next, and we’ll see. It depends how they’re swinging the bat, depends on who the [opposing] pitcher is — there’ll be some variable.  But we’d like to stay constant, too. We’ll come up with something.”

It’s good to see you haven’t been laying awake thinking about the spot that has submarined your lineup ever since you arrived.  I know you don’t want to hand the job to Fukudome or Theriot since neither should be leading off but apparently this is what a $140M lineup looks like.  Thankfully the name Soriano wasn’t uttered.  (I’m loving the idea of a variable constant.  It sounds like a LOST episode.)

Lou to a New York reporter on pressure of being a Cub.

“You never would think it, but there is pressure in Chicago. They haven’t won in so long. They are going to win. It’s just a question of when and how soon. It’s a wonderful franchise. It’s a really nice city and Wrigley Field is a fun place to play. You start a ballgame and you feel like you are in the British Open with the wind blowing, light rain and so forth, and all of a sudden it ends up a sunny day and you’re hitting the ball with 9-irons into the left-field bleachers.” 

He apparently thought the Cubs were some kind of fantasy camp/amusement park where people didn’t care if they won.  That may have been true up until 2003, the year Lou went to manage Tampa, grew his graybeard and apparently shut down the baseball part of his brain.  Also, what’s up with the “they?”  If ordinary fans call a team “we” shouldn’t the manager, you know, the leader of the team?  (This also seems to prove my hypothesis that he’s thinking about golf during games.)

Lou on if he is going to manage past this year, the last of his contract. 

We’ll see. I’m getting up there in age. I still have the desire. I still have the passion for it. I’m not putting any timetable on it. I’m going to do the best I can this year and we’ll see what happens at the end of the year.

He’s done.  Stick a fork in him.  His mind is on life after baseball.  Lou’s next stop after his Cub managing days come to a close (early October, no playoffs) will be straight to an assisted living complex in the Tampa area.  I can see him as the honorary bingo caller and growing out his “don’t give a crap graybeard (see last July and every Tampa season)” and don some pastel colored pants.  He will be coming to a card show near you. 

Finally, we have his comments today about Ozzie Guillen starting a Twitter account.  (Guillen on Twitter is simply fantastic.  There is no better forum for a man who has no filter and a red hot temper.  When you talk about a perfect match for man to media this is it.   This may cost him his job at some point.)

“No, no, no, no, no,” he said. “First of all I don’t know how to Twitter, and second of all I’m not going to learn how to Twitter.

Here is something we agree on.  Twitter is freaking stupid.

I am not nearly this excited for the Winter Games. They have inspired me to read. Seriously.

It seems my wife can sense this emptiness and is looking for ways to keep me from self-medicating my Sports Affective Disorder (the new winter SAD) with hard liquor or by re-watching all the seasons of Lost.  She found one hell of a time consuming diversion by giving me, “The Book of Basketball” by the man who knows no brevity, Bill Simmons.  Knowing that this book was able to stop a bullet from a hand gun, reading it felt like a tall task.  Despite having nothing better to do, I still needed something to come along and prod me into picking up this monster and digging in.  It would have to be a special event, one that doesn’t come along every year, and one that would move my TV indifferent wife into couch potato mode cutting me off from Simpsons/Lost re-runs.  Enter the Winter Olympics and a choice.  TBOB or evenings filled with pairs figure skating?

The Winter Olympics and the TBOB have quite a bit in common.  Both are loaded with filler.  The Winter Olympics showed a piece on Canadian Polar Bears while Simmons riffed on what would have happened if Leo strapped on a 12 inch foam rubber schlong instead of Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights.  Neither add anything to the overall narrative and only one is mildly entertaining.  Both are self-indulgent.  The Winter Olympics have Jimmy Roberts working himself into a lather with a puff piece about cancer or curling.  The prologue to TBOB finds Simmons drawing himself a warm bath, pouring a glass of red wine and rubbing one out to the Larry Bird era Celtics.  If that image disgusts you try reading it for 30 pages.  The guy takes his time.

What is going to win out:  The tape delayed Olympics with sports that I know and care very little about or a meandering manifesto about professional basketball?  Since Sunday I have read about 200 pages of TBOB.  It’s destroying the Winter Olympics as we stand today.  Simmons writing style is engaging, his humor comes easily, and the information download in the book is extraordinary.  The guy knows a lot about professional basketball and if he’s wrong I’m in no position to contradict him.  Prepare yourself for a fair share of Celtic fellatio, a good amount of pointless movie references, and a hell of a lot of your free time wasted.  If you can get past that you will learn a lot and enjoy yourself along the way. 

The Winter Olympics, on the other hand  remain one of my least favorite sporting events.  Downhill skiing is fun for about an hour, bobsled and luge look identical regardless of whether the 1st place finisher or the 38th place finisher are hurtling down the hill, snowboarding was added to increase American medal count and figure skating holds no appeal for me whatsoever.  When you add the fact that NBC shows about 15 minutes worth of events in a given hour and teases events in primetime that were decided up to 12 hours before they were broadcast, you have a global event that feels like a global let down.   

I can take solace that every dark day of the sports abyss draws us closer to the end.  There were four magic words that were uttered today that will help my SAD more than any other.  “Pitchers and catchers report.”   Hurry up baseball, I need you.

The Big Lead is reporting that the NFL Network is apparently not driven to fits of rage by his incessant whooping and would like to pry the windbag from ESPN.  Unfortunately for fans of the NFL the move couldn’t happen until Berman’s contract expires in May.  That means one more draft full of his incoherent ramblings.  If you’re a baseball fan like myself, enduring one more bad NFL draft is an extrordinarily small price to pay.  Imagine being able to enjoy the Homerun Derby without the flurry of back, back, backs and exhaustive listing of local landmarks that baseballs are traveling towards.  I have tears in my eyes right now.

Could this be a new look for the Swami? Could we be so lucky?

According to the TBL post the question Berman needs to reconcile is whether more money and less work is worth more than broadcasting baseball and a broader audience.  The easy answer is more money and less work.  It’s clear he isn’t overly passionate about his craft at this point.  The man is a monument to complacency.  His schtick hasn’t varied since I had braces and rolled my jeans.  Despite this, I think he dearly wants to stay at ESPN.  The Nutrisystem diet has shrunken his mid-section but not his ego.  He would never leave the mothership he helped create for a smaller audience.  He loves being the bloated, red face of ESPN. 

Whether ESPN is willing to go great lengths to keep Berman remains to be seen.  If the recent Late-Night wars have taught us anything it is that a silent majority clearly exists in this country.  While you will have to comb the furthest reaches of the blogosphere to find somebody that will support Jay Leno (further to find somebody who thinks he’s funny) he remains the clear ratings leader in the Late Night space.  I’m guessing the same is true for Berman.  He’s a TV institution that is easily identifiable and has never had an ill word to say about anyone at any time.  (Except here.)  While you probably don’t think you know anyone that likes Berman, it is probably just the opposite.  You just don’t care what they think.

Unfortunately for all of us that like sports this smells like a negotiation ploy more than a legitimate possibility.  I see a good deal of  Three Dog Night references in all of our futures.  WHOOP!

Jim Gray comparing the NBA Finals to the moon landing.

The Super Bowl is a big deal.  The ratings are huge, the commercials cost a small fortune, the halftime show is an overwrought spectacle.  It’s a football game that has been turned into a defining cultural event.  Given the grandiosity associated with the Super Bowl it should surprise no one that there are douchebag members of the sports media who try and add significance that transcends what is just a football game.  With the ESPN media machine working for a more than three years to convince you that the Saints have rebuilt New Orleans following Katrina, it came as a big shock that the most non-sensical word vomit came via Jim Gray at Westwood One.

(Hear the excerpt here courtesy of the Boers and Bernstein show on 670am Chicago.   Skip forward to number 5 for the Gray audio.)

“Finally something good has happened to the city of New Orleans and the State of Louisiana.  A team that’s first 20 seasons didn’t have a winning record.  It led to boos and bags over the fans heads.  The Ain’ts, they ain’t no more.

So far so good for Jim.  He has correctly pointed out that the Saints for most of my lifetime have been associated with the dregs of the NFL.  They could be conservatively described as a hapless franchise for most of their existence.  The fact that the Saints won a Super Bowl in and of itself is one hell of a story.  It’s one that should be told.

Hurricane Katrina ravaged the city, the winds so strong, the water too deep.

Something is starting to get deep around here…..

Like many of the city’s residents the team itself was homeless.  Bouncing from Baton Rouge to San Antonio, the team barely held together, but didn’t move permanently and began to rebuild.

He’s trying to build a feeling of symmetry between the residents of the city and the team.  In the respect of being displaced because of the storm, he’s right.  Beware, we are nearing the proverbial fork in the road because it won’t be long before….

Funny how a city that was ravaged by wind, is now saluting a Brees.

….we are off the tracks.  Terrific pun Jim!  The problem is that the damage caused by winds were all together minor to those caused by the storm surge that overwhelmed the levy system causing the flooding that truly devastated New Orleans.  If your are taking the stance that the flooding was the result of a massive storm surge that was driven by high winds than I apologize.  Since I’m positive that you are twisting the events for a lame turn of phrase, I apologize for nothing.

When Drew Brees arrived four seasons ago, it was beginning of the end of the suffering for both the city and the franchise.  He said he felt it was his calling, his destiny to come to the Saints at their worst time.

Are you serious?  While you can argue, convincingly, that Brees saved the Saints franchise from relocation, it’s quite another to think he ended the suffering in New Orleans.  Did the houses rebuild themselves?  Did the dead come back to life?  They didn’t?  (Surely football can resurrect the dead.  How else can you explain Pat Summerall calling the Cotton Bowl this year?)

(For Drew:  Would destiny have still called you to New Orleans had the Dolphins made you the offer you were looking for or was it just a matter of New Orleans being your only opportunity to be the starter?  Would it still have been your calling if you had gone 5-11 this season?)

Now they are calling him Breesus, the city renamed Drew Orleans.

Unleash the dramatic imagery!  Is anyone really calling him this or did you make this up because it fit your piece?  At least you stopped short of having Breesus walk across the flood water to rebuild the temple (Superdome).  Nice restraint Jim!

The Mannings were the first family of the Saints, the first family of the city of New Orleans.  Now they get the prize they so long wanted, by Archie and his boys, a Super Bowl Championship for the Saints, though it comes in a fashion they would have preferred to avoid….”

No shit.

I can’t stand hyperbolic garbage like this from sports media.  Sports are a wonderful diversion, whether you are trying to escape large scale problems like homelessness after a hurricane or the mundane desire to have a few beers with your friends.  When the games are over you go back to the reality of real life whatever that may be.  If you want to make the argument that New Orleans was in desperate need for diversion from their problems, some escapism from a daunting rebuilding process, and a means to connect with one another that doesn’t involve sad stories and hardship, then by all means they deserve it.  If you want to stretch this out to say that NFL football is rebuilding a city you are an incurable, irredeemable moron.  Rebuilding a city takes money, hard work and the collective will of the residents.

Jim Gray thinks it’s measurable in Lombardi Trophies.

Freddy’s drunken slurring may prove prophetic.  When you consider the Cubs and their Money Pit starting outfield, shaky closer, recently unstoned catcher, and apparently senile manager and it will soon be drunken Cub fans slurring “fuck the Cubs, motherfuckers.” 

Single game tickets are on sale soon!

These could come in handy on Super Sunday.

We here at Statleague haven’t done really any coverage leading up to this weekend’s Big Game.  We aren’t sorry.  It’s not that we aren’t excited about the culmination of the NFL season, it’s because the two week media blitz is a 264 hour long pre-game show that should be avoided.  I feel like I can speak for Tai when I say that pre-game shows make us want to hurt ourselves. 

The good people at blackandgold.com have given us something worthwhile to talk about leading up to Sunday.  They have created a drinking game that will certainly cause an abrupt and premature death if followed closely.  It could also serve as a good distraction if the Colts hammer the Saints which seems likely to this amateur prognosticator.   Please note that Statleague.com doesn’t endorse the use of this potentially fatal drinking game. 

1. Every time they mention hurricane Katrina, drink 1.�
2. If they show pictures of the City of New Orleans right after Katrina, drink 1.
3. Every time they say how much the Saints mean to the City of New Orleans, drink 1.
4. Every time the words “tragedy”, “flood”, or “devastation” are used, drink 1.
5. Every time they talk about how good Reggie Bush was in college, drink 3.
6. If they show Kim Kardashian in the stands, drink 5.
7. Every time they show a picture of Reggie Bush with a bat or say “bringing the wood” drink for 5 seconds.
8.. Every time Reggie Bush gets negative yardage trying to run around in the backfield a bunch and outrun the defense, drink 1 and turn to the person next to you and say “I told you Vince Young should have won the Heisman.”
9. Every time Reggie Bush gets up and flexes his arms in that pose he likes to do, drink 1.
10. If they mention Tim Tebow for any reason, funnel a beer.
11. Every time they say that “it’s destiny for the Saints to win” drink 1.
12. If they show footage of Katrina survivors at the Superdome, take a shot of cheap liquor.
13. If they call Saints fans the most passionate fans in football, drink 1.
14. If they say that the Saints, Saints fans, or the City of New Orleans “deserve” a Superbowl victory, drink 1.
15. Every time they say how good of a story the Saints are, drink 1.
16. If Jeremy Shockey pretends to be hurt after dropping a pass, drink 2.
17. If they mention the Saints beating the Falcons in 2006 in the first game after Katrina in the Superdome, drink 5 and remember that we are still a better football team with better fans.
18. Every time they compare hurricane Katrina to the Haiti earthquake, funnel a beer and yell “********!”
19. Every time they mention Drew Brees as the Mardi Gras king, drink.
20.. Every time they show Archie Manning, drink 1, and mention how bad he sucked. If they show old footage of him on the Saints, drink 5. If they mention how tough of a decision it was for him as for whom to cheer for, drink 10.
21. Every time they show a saints fan yelling “Who dat!” Or a sign/shirt saying the same, drink 1.
22. If they show Chris Paul at the game, drink 1 and mention to someone how much better he is than Marvin Williams.
23. If they show former Mayor Ray Nagin, drink 5 and then punch someone in the face.

There is a decent chance this guy is driving a bus for the IPS.

In an effort to minimize the amount of residual drunkeness among the local school bus driving force, the city of Indianapolis is delaying school for two hours this coming Monday.  The schools have learned their lesson from the recent past when the district had to cancel school after so many bus drivers called in sick the day after the Super Bowl dismantling of the Bears in 2007.  With another seemingly inferior NFC opponent on the slate the schools are being proactive. 

Superintendent Dr. Eugene White cuts right to the chase. 

“A two-hour delay provides a compromise that ensures our children will arrive at school safely,” says White. 

This is one smart guy.  Who, after a particularly tough night out, hasn’t joked about still feeling drunk enough to get a DUI the next day.  That conversation usually takes place while driving to lunch around midday.  Now, imagine if your team just won the Super Bowl and it’s your job to be behind the wheel at 5:30am hauling some valuable cargo.  I would call in sick too, I mean we aren’t all airline pilots. 

In an effort to provide a balanced look at this major story the local news station scoured Indy looking for someone who doesn’t like the Colts.  They uncovered this gem. 

“Not being a football fan, I think it’s kind of ridiculous,” said Mary Jo DeMyer. “My son danced in ‘The Nutcracker’ and they wouldn’t give him an excused absence for that, and yet they’re delaying school for two hours because of a football game.”

I will help this concerned mother understand this seeming inequity in the school system’s priorities.  The district is delaying school because the Super Bowl is the biggest sporting event in the world and a high school production of “The Nutcracker” is absolutely fucking pointless.  Nothing ridiculous about it.

This used to be Paul Shirley's claim to fame. It won't be for much longer.

The baffling theme behind this article is that Haitians have the means to provide themselves better lives but choose not to do so.  It seems that he believes that their lack of infrastructure is a reflection on the people and not of a corrupt government, political unrest and a complete lack of an economy.  Do Haitians prefer shanties over earthquake resistant modern construction?  Probably not.  I think they live in shanties because that’s what they can afford.  The idea that these people can try harder to have a better life is an incredibly simplistic and arrogant notion, especially from someone who was fortunate enough to play a game professionally and parlay that into writing about music for a living.  He’s someone who probably isn’t qualified to discuss hardship.

There is something to be said for trying to be a contrarian and offer a thought provoking look at the other side of an issue.  I would have gobbled up an article about opportunistic celebrities or media.  If he had wanted to write an essay talking about how donating after a disaster doesn’t help Haiti long-term without investment in infrastructure or means for a sustainable economy, it would be a piece that could have some effect.  However, it’s quite another to make light of a Humanitarian disaster and chide a poor and downtrodden people for being poor and downtrodden.

Why he would sabotage his writing career by publishing this is as baffling as his premise here.  If you think he survives much longer at ESPN you’re crazy.  His ode to PM Dawn today will be his last at the World Wide Leader.   The internet will consume this story, it will soon be national news.  He won’t survive, who would defend him?

To think I thought his praise of Nickelback was the most offensive thing he could write.

What does this horse have to do with Mark McGwire? Absolutely nothing, that's what.

 First, a little history on the great horse.  The Clydesdale breed originated in Scotland and has been known since the beginning for it’s size and most importantly strength.  The horses were prized initially for their ability to haul.  An old-timey Clydesdale could pull a weight of more than a ton at a speed over more than 5 miles per hour.  It wasn’t long before they were brought to North America and were the favorite of brewers nationwide.  It was said at the time that “a brewer’s success was directly related to how his draft horses could pull a load in a day.”  Very interesting.  It would stand to reason that a bigger, stronger horse could pull a bigger, heavier load for longer distances.  Hmmm…. 

Flash forward to 1933 and the repeal of prohibition.  Augie Busch Jr presented his father with a hitch of Clydesdales and had them deliver the first legal case of Budweiser down the streets of St. Louis.  The historians will have you believe that this is where the story of the Budweiser Clydesdales began.  My alternate conspiracy theory says that the hitch was a wink and a nod to the strapping equines that helped Budweiser bootleg their beer all over the Midwest and keep the company afloat during the dark days of Prohibition.  Bootlegging across the Midwest is tiresome work, even for the most fit of Clydesdales.  No way a natural creature could handle that kind of workload without a little “pick me up.”  Certainly they would need something to help them recover from the previous day’s haul.  If the horse couldn’t go on a particular day they were put down and the brewer would be out a few day’s deliveries.  It was crucial for the Clydesdale’s to work with injury.  We might be on to something here. 

Sensing that they were sitting on a gold mine, Budweiser began parading the horses around the country and featuring them prominently in their advertising.  The humongous horses became an American icon.  The funny thing about icons is that they don’t become iconic for being average just like Big Mac didn’t become famous for hitting balls five feet over the fence.  The Bud Clydesdales are considerably bigger than their ancestors weighing in at over 2000 pounds and standing 6 feet tall in the middle.  Some people would attribute this growth to good breeding, but I think it’s something more sinister.  It’s kind of like looking at a Big Mac rookie card compared to his famous 1998 hug with Sammy Sosa.  The difference is striking.  

Mark McGwire began his career and his steroid abuse in Oakland while playing for manager Tony LaRussa but it wasn’t just the presence of TLR that made St. Louis a welcome landing spot for McGwire.  He knew he was in a place that had celebrated freakishly oversized animals for decades.  They cared not to ask questions about the unnatural features or uncommon performance.  They didn’t care that the horses were gelded to help temper their mood, supposedly so they were better around people (likely story, sounds like a roid rage cover).  Being clean is secondary.  As long as their heroes are identified with their town, the people will love them unconditionally.  

Most of all McGwire knew he was at home in a place where the masses loved gigantic horses asses.  (bad um ching!)

(Save the Sammy Sosa rebuttal.  He did it too and I hate him.  Thank you for not wasting both of our time.)