I am not nearly this excited for the Winter Games. They have inspired me to read. Seriously.

It seems my wife can sense this emptiness and is looking for ways to keep me from self-medicating my Sports Affective Disorder (the new winter SAD) with hard liquor or by re-watching all the seasons of Lost.  She found one hell of a time consuming diversion by giving me, “The Book of Basketball” by the man who knows no brevity, Bill Simmons.  Knowing that this book was able to stop a bullet from a hand gun, reading it felt like a tall task.  Despite having nothing better to do, I still needed something to come along and prod me into picking up this monster and digging in.  It would have to be a special event, one that doesn’t come along every year, and one that would move my TV indifferent wife into couch potato mode cutting me off from Simpsons/Lost re-runs.  Enter the Winter Olympics and a choice.  TBOB or evenings filled with pairs figure skating?

The Winter Olympics and the TBOB have quite a bit in common.  Both are loaded with filler.  The Winter Olympics showed a piece on Canadian Polar Bears while Simmons riffed on what would have happened if Leo strapped on a 12 inch foam rubber schlong instead of Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights.  Neither add anything to the overall narrative and only one is mildly entertaining.  Both are self-indulgent.  The Winter Olympics have Jimmy Roberts working himself into a lather with a puff piece about cancer or curling.  The prologue to TBOB finds Simmons drawing himself a warm bath, pouring a glass of red wine and rubbing one out to the Larry Bird era Celtics.  If that image disgusts you try reading it for 30 pages.  The guy takes his time.

What is going to win out:  The tape delayed Olympics with sports that I know and care very little about or a meandering manifesto about professional basketball?  Since Sunday I have read about 200 pages of TBOB.  It’s destroying the Winter Olympics as we stand today.  Simmons writing style is engaging, his humor comes easily, and the information download in the book is extraordinary.  The guy knows a lot about professional basketball and if he’s wrong I’m in no position to contradict him.  Prepare yourself for a fair share of Celtic fellatio, a good amount of pointless movie references, and a hell of a lot of your free time wasted.  If you can get past that you will learn a lot and enjoy yourself along the way. 

The Winter Olympics, on the other hand  remain one of my least favorite sporting events.  Downhill skiing is fun for about an hour, bobsled and luge look identical regardless of whether the 1st place finisher or the 38th place finisher are hurtling down the hill, snowboarding was added to increase American medal count and figure skating holds no appeal for me whatsoever.  When you add the fact that NBC shows about 15 minutes worth of events in a given hour and teases events in primetime that were decided up to 12 hours before they were broadcast, you have a global event that feels like a global let down.   

I can take solace that every dark day of the sports abyss draws us closer to the end.  There were four magic words that were uttered today that will help my SAD more than any other.  “Pitchers and catchers report.”   Hurry up baseball, I need you.

Shani doesn't approve of your Canada bashing!

Colbert was discussing the complaints that Vancouver officials have been limiting the access of International Athletes to the Olympic venues prior to the games.  Fellow Olympian Joey Cheek was interviewed by Colbert and called the limited access a “dick move” by the Canadian officials.  No speed skaters were insulted in the filming of this segment.

What makes the outburst particularly curious is the fact that Colbert recently put up $300K to fill a budget shortfall after one of the team’s sponsors went bankrupt earlier this year.  Colbert also has a link on his website to raise additional funds for the team as the prepare for the Olympics in Vancouver.  For those keeping score at home, he was not making fun of speed skaters and their uni-tards or the fact their sport is nothing more than skating in circles at varying speeds; he is actually the team’s primary sponsor ensuring they have funding for the games.

What is Shani’s problem?  Is he kissing up to the Canadian public in hopes of a lucrative maple syrup or walleye tackle endorsement deal?  Is he the rarely seen black athlete Republican?  Does he not understand satire?  I know this, if he’s going to get worked up every time an American TV show makes fun of Canada he will have an enemies list longer than Nixon’s.

Let’s face it.  Canada bashing is an American comedic staple as tried and true as the rubber chicken or the slapstick itself.  It’s more of an American pastime than Speed Skating will ever be.