See Joe Morgan faking excitement.

Welcome to the Homerun Derby, Chris Berman’s summer work out of bad puns, lame one-liners and exercise in local geography.  This years telecast was so boring that I could only make it through the first round before wanting to inflict harm on myself.  Good news for Boomer is that he finally found an analyst that lowers the bar far enough to allow his bloviating to shine.  Congrats Bobby V, thank you for not taking the Marlins job and staying on for the summer.   You are a supernova of jokes that have no punchline.  Here are some of tonight’s best and worst lines.  Enjoy!

(Tonight’s broadcasters Chris Berman, Bobby Valentine and Joe Morgan.)

Boomer:  We have a new compatriot this year…

Joe:  We have had a lot of them. 

We miss you Steve Phillips.  I hope AOL is intern free.

Bobby V:  I’m going to take Jose Ortiz.  He’s the man.  He’s ready to go. 

Unfortunately this person doesn’t exist.  It’s a shame Bobby’s not managing Stanley Ramirez and Jason Johnson in Florida.

Boomer:  I’m going with (pause for effect) a Canadian breeze… Vernon Wells.

Joe:  (Completely unimpressed with the selection.)  Any of them can win. 

There’s the Joe we love.  Surly and closed off to all outside opinion.  He’s the Billy Packer of MLB.

Bobby V:  David Oritz, whose middle name is hopefully Jose….

Tough start for Bobby V.  Does Japan have an ESPN equivalent he can transfer to when this doesn’t work out?

Boomer:  (About Chris Young.)  He’s patient enough.  Ask Cub fans if they know. 

Thanks big guy.  Did you run out of Bartman or Billy Goat references?

Bobby V:  Usually you hit batting practice with a batting cage.  Now you’re standing out there wide open. 

You’re right Bobby.  These guys never stand at home plate with no cage, except in every game they play.  Most of them aren’t wearing a hat either.  It’s an alien experience, like having a Miller Lite when you were expecting a Bud. 

Boomer:  (After a Wells homer.) Back, back, back, back, back, it’s outta here, eh? 

What no jokes about maple syrup or Canadians wearing all denim?  If you’re going stereotypes you have… to… go… all…the….way.  Wells was born in Shreveport, LA by the way. 

Boomer:  I don’t know how we would look in 3D but I think Erin Andrews would look pretty good. 

Stop talking about her like that.  She wants to be a serious reporter!

Erin Andrews:  What’s the key to hitting a bomb in this place?

Torii Hunter:  Swing hard.

Get the Sportscience guy out here to prove it!

Boomer:  Corey Hart, you have to have heart!

Uh-oh, he’s got a pun friendly last name.  I feel a downpour coming.

Boomer:  Obviously he’s taken that swing to heart!

Oh no.  My skin is crawling….. 

Boomer:  Corey Hart, the young man from Bowling Green is bowling them out of here!

Reaching critical mass….

Boomer:  Whoa, this one is waaaay back.  This one is on the way to San Juan Capistrano!

To his credit San Juan Capistrano is located Southeast of the ballpark, so it’s possible that home plate kind of faces that direction.  He’s not so lucky on his Torrance reference later. 

Joe:  Great game plan by Corey Hart.

Trying to hit the ball as far as he could as many times as possible is a great game plan in a homerun derby.  I know this an event that renders analysis useless, but that’s still pretty stupid.

Boomer:  As they say in Canada, “he put the ball on Holliday.”

That sounds more British than Canadian.  Now if you add an “eh” at the end, I wouldn’t have questioned a thing.

Boomer:  He had a good run with the gold balls. 

He-he, he talked about gold balls.

Boomer:  He (Papi) is such a face for baseball.

I have no idea what this means.  Maybe the WWL should have a one hour special to announce what buffet Papi will destroy after the Derby.

Joe:  He’s (Papi) not showing any sign of nervousness.

The guy has played in two world series, numerous playoff games, multiple all-star games and Homerun derbies, and starred in a couple of awkward steroid denial press conferences.  I doubt televised batting practice gets him real worked up, cage or no cage, hat or no hat.

Boomer:  I don’t want to keep heaping the praise (on Papi) but let’s not forget, when we talk about clutch hitters on this generation of baseball, his name has to be right in there. 

Brett Favre agrees with the heaping praise comments.  He’s never felt Berman has given him his due.

Joe:  He’s (Papi) had so many clutch hits….

Bobby V:  Like that.

Boomer:  GOOD-BYE!!

Let’s compare the 9th homer of a home run derby to clutch hits in the World Series.  They’re very comparable.

Joe:  Couple more like that and he (Papi) will be in good shape.

So the more homers the better?  Got it.  For his next act Joe will explain the intricacies of beer pong. 

Bobby V:  You really have to have presence to stand up there.

Corey Hart takes offense to this.

Boomer:  It’s a moon ball… To the moon Alice!

Bobby V:  Ok Ralph. 

Reference to TV/music/movies that nobody under retirement age will understand?  Check.

Will Ferrell:  What time is it?  Home-run o’clock! 

Points for Will Ferrell as I think he was openly mocking the broadcasting crew with this comment.

Boomer (Doing Ferrell doing Harry Caray):  Check out the kid in the sombrero!

I love this line.  God help me I do.  Berman got me to laugh once.  Dammit!

Boomer:  Wow, that’s almost to Torrance, OK. 

This joke could work if the ball entered the Earth’s orbit and circumnavigated the globe.  Forget it, the joke sucks.

Joe:  Miguel Cabrera is like Manny Ramirez in that he uses his upper body, lower body and his hands. 

As opposed to whom exactly?  I heard Babe Ruth used to hit homers with the barrel of the bat sticking out his zipper.  It was the original fat bat!

Boomer:  That one is on the way to Catalina Island!

…and I’m out.  That’s all I can take.  I’m human.

Today's tennis match was a stalemate for the ages. Kind of like getting drunk and playing risk. I could have been cooler.

Here’s the thing.  I watched more of this match today than I would rightfully admit and other than watching the game count tick upwards towards the absurd the tennis itself wasn’t exactly breathless.  One guy would serve, win his game easily and then get drubbed when the other guy would serve.  There was a sense of inevitability and an odd momentum to the proceedings.  This match was never going to end and the participants almost seemed resigned to it.   Sure John Isner tried to come to the net before his legs quit working and Nicolas Mahut skipped around like a jitterbug even following the 58-58 toidy break.  Neither tried to force the action on the other’s serve either because the other guy was on fire serving or they were under hypnosis. 

Just how much of a tug-of-war was it?  This monstrosity of a fifth set saw a total of four match points by Isner, the third and the fourth separated by three hours.  Mahut on the otherhand was able to muster two break points in game 101.  It took 50 games to get ONE break point!!!!!  At what point do you just say screw it and start charging the net every point, if for no other reason than to drive this to a conclusion?  Didn’t either of them want to quit?  Or just take a leak?  Or eat a sandwich? 

In the end this was far from the best tennis match ever played.  This was more of a Festivus feat of strength along the lines of the hot-dog eating contest or a Patrick Kane post-Cup bender than a moment of tennis beauty.  Either way, I will be watching when it resumes tomorrow.  Hopefully Isner can move any part of his body.

Make sure none of our guys pick this shit up.

Enter Wally Backman coaching for the South Georgia Peanuts.  He melts down on the umpire after his kid gets tossed from the game AND was magically wearing a mic for it.  Awesomeness ensues.  The clip is a deleted scene from the documentary “Playing For Peanuts”.